The Bible and Beards, Pigs and Presidents

Presidential wannabe Rick Santorum declared last week that President Obama’s ideas are not based on the Bible. Let’s assume that Mr. Santorum is elected president and goes about establishing a government based on the Bible.

First of all, beginning on Inauguration Day, the new President Santorum will stop shaving. And I guess he will force all men to stop shaving as well. (It’s in the Bible.) Will the FBI enforce beard lengths or will that be left up to the states?

And I feel sorry for the person that Mr. Santorum appoints to be Secretary of Agriculture. The USDA is likely to have a tough time with the National Pork Producers Association after the new administration bans pork chops, bacon, and sausage. (No pork. It’s in the Bible.) Wonder how that will affect business at the IHOP?

And that sheriff out in Arizona, the Republican who supported Romney, then announced he was gay and said he was having an affair with an immigrant whose visa was expired? Tough call there. After all, the Bible says over and over that you should love the stranger in your land and treat him well. (Leviticus 19:34 and other places). The sheriff certainly loved—or really, really liked -- at least one stranger. But I guess President Santorum may have to kill the sheriff anyway. That’s in the Bible, too. (Leviticus 20:13. Ouch!)

Yes, it will be tough for Mr. Santorum to put into place a government based on the Bible. But there’s good news as well.

We won’t go to war since the Bible says, “Do not kill,” “Love your enemies,” and “Turn the other cheek.” (Yep, they’re all there. Pretty clear.)

And even though Mr. Santorum wants to shrink federal government, I’m sure his new Bible-based rule will allow for a new Department of Forgiveness. After all, that’s a big part of biblical theology. (Who do you think he will appoint to be Assistant Secretary for the Confession of Sins? Newt Gingrich? Bill Clinton? A lot of us could go to work in that bureau.)

One final hope: Maybe this new Bible-based government will help the economy. After all, I’m guessing that millionaires like Mr. Santorum and Mr. Obama and gazillionaires like Mr. Romney will “sell all that they have and give the money to the poor.” (It’s in the Bible.)