Press Releases from World Vision (It's Humor, People)

It seems the World Vision press office is working over time.  Here's what they've sent out this week:

March 24 (5:56 pm):  World Vision President Richard Stearns announced that his organization, one of America's largest Christian charities, will allow gay Christians in legal same-sex marriages to be hired as well as gay Christians who follow their policy of abstinence outside of marriage.  World Vision is known for its global child sponsorship program and says the new gay-is-okay policy is "symbolic not of compromise but of [Christian] unity."

March 26 (5:05 p.m.):  World Vision released a statement confirming it has reversed its decision to allow the hiring of employees in same-sex marriages: “The board acknowledged it made a mistake and chose to revert to our longstanding policy requiring sexual abstinence for all single employees and faithfulness within the Biblical covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. … We are brokenhearted over the pain and confusion we have caused many of our friends, who saw this decision as a reversal of our strong commitment to Biblical authority.”

March 26 (5:35 pm):  World Vision announces that if a person sponsors a child through its program and then learns that the child is stubborn and rebellious, the sponsor may encourage that child’s parents to stone the child.  "After all," an anonymous source said.  "It's in the Bible. Deuteronomy 21.  Look it up.  That's our authority."

March 26 (5:42 pm):  World Vision announces that the company-wide shrimp boil set for Saturday has been cancelled.  "Uh, yeah, that's in the Bible, too, right," Stearns is supposed to have asked a press aid.

March 26 (6:01 pm):  World Vision President Richard Stearns announced the firing of the press aid mentioned in the previous update.  "She had on gold jewelry and fine clothes.  The Bible prohibits that," he said. "And not in some obscure Old Testament book that we all ignore.  It's one of the New Testament books we ignore."

March 26 (6:02 p.m.)  World Vision announces that if a person sponsors a rebellious child and the child is stoned, the sponsor  will receive a full refund. 

March 26 (6:04 pm):  World Vision Board Chairman James Bere announces that all male employees must immediately stop shaving.  "We can't decide whether to brand this as a 'Movember Year-Round' campaign to really connect with hipster evangelicals or to stick with our 'It's in the Bible' theme to appeal to the old school Billy Graham type of evangelical.  This is a real quandary for us."

March 26 (6:17 PM):  A disgruntled former World Vision press aid released the following internal emails between Board Chairman Bere and President Stearns:  

From: Viz Prez  

To: Bored Chair

Bro, you giving up your new car?

From: Bored Chair

To:  Viz Pres

Dude, wtf...What the Ferrari I mean? lol    You know I drive ford.  What, the ford? 

From: Viz Prez

To: Bored Chair

yeah, it's in the Bible. Sell all you have give to the poor.  And JESUS said that one. way bigger then shell fish.  

March 26 (9:03 p.m.):  World Vision senior staff emerged from their late-night Bible study with the following announcement:  "It has come to our attention that some Bible scholars propose that couples Ruth & Naomi and David & Jonathan enjoyed same-sex romantics liaisons.  Those same scholars have pointed out that, while the idea of legal same-sex marriage would have been foreign to the writers of the Bible, press releases and child sponsorship programs would have been foreign to the writers of the Bible also."

March 26 (9:27 p.m.):  One anonymous WV staffer announced that he had been deep in prayer when the others exited to make the Jonathan-and-David-were-lovers statement.   "After they all left," he said, "I heard God speak.  At least it sounded like God. Maybe it was Della Reese.  Anyway, God told me that I should have multiple wives like King David.  After all, that's hot, er, uh, I mean, that's in the Bible." 

March 26 (9:30 p.m.):  The World Vision press office requests that all TV trucks and other media vehicles be moved from the street in the front of the office. That's where the dump truck of stones will be parking later tonight, the press release said.